Love's Struggle
by Beautiful-With-Pain
Summary: A short one shot of Peeta's point of view in Mockingjay from when Boggs dies to Katniss tells him she's still protecting him. *MOCKINGJAY SPOILERS*


**A/N: This is just a short one-shot when Peeta kills Boggs until he falls asleep when Katniss says she's protecting him. I was re-reading this part and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then I got ideas. Uh-oh. That's never good coming from**_** me.**_** Well here ya go!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**The Hunger Games**_

I see Katniss and Homes drag Boggs and I hear him make horrible sounds of pain. The memory of Katniss bringing down that tracker jacker nest to kill me is brought to my mind. That mutt! She's torturing Boggs! He's already dying! Don't bring on pain!

I yank her away from Boggs and look down at her. She looks scared, but I know better. She must die. The butt of my gun is aiming at her head and when I try to kill her she rolls over. My gun hits the street instead of her. Someone is starting to attack me and I see it's Mitchell.

He pins me to the floor to try and stop me. Let me go! She has to be killed! She only brings pain to people! I push my feet to his stomach and push him off of me. He flies back by my force and triggers the pod with the net. _Look what you just did Peeta! This isn't you! You love Katniss! Don't kill her! _That voice is the old me. Now there's a new voice so I push my old one away. I try to go over to finish Katniss but Castor and Pollux catch me and I writher. "Let me go!" I scream. I thrash and thrash in their arms. Jackson puts handcuffs on me and I struggle more. They stuff me into a closet and lock me in there.

I hate closets. A memory comes back when I'm little and I see my mom throw me into the closet. I remember how no one loved me to take me out. Only my dad. Now he's gone, because of Katniss. No one is going to take me out of here. No one loves me. I need to get out by myself.

I kick to door. I kick and kick and kick. All I do is kick. I become weak though. Each kick gets less energy and I can't take it anymore. My brain is getting me confused and I fall into blackness.

I wake up and see the others looking at a TV. Where are we? What happened? All I remember is Boggs getting killed by pods, then me in a closet. I look at the TV screen and I see me pushing Mitchell into a pod. I look around and see Mitchell is not here. I killed Mitchell. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt.

I look back at the screen and see that we are pronounced dead. "My father. He just lost my sister and now…." says Leeg 1. We're dead? Or the capitol _thinks_ we're dead? I'll go with the latter. "So, now that we're dead, what's our next move?" asks Gale. I know the answer to that one. "Isn't it obvious?" I say. Everyone looks at me. I guess they didn't know I was conscious again. I push myself up but it's painful. "Our next move…. is to kill me.

I look over to Katniss and I see pain. Why would she be in pain? She should be happy I actually want to die. It'll save her trouble. "Don't be ridiculous," says Jackson. I'm not being ridiculous! "I just killed a member of our squad!" I shout. "You pushed him off you. You couldn't have known he would trigger the net at that exact spot" says Finnick trying to calm me. It's not working. I can't be calm. "Who cares? He's dead isn't he?" I say. He's dead because of me. I feel tears forming and before I can stop them they fall down. "I didn't know. I've never seen myself like that before. Katniss is right. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt. I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!"

"It's not your fault, Peeta," says Finnick. Yes it is my fault. I can't go with them. I'll only bring trouble. "You can't take me with you. It's only a matter of time before I kill someone else." I look around and see conflicted faces. I've caused everything horrible. "Maybe it's kinder to just dump me somewhere. Let me take my chances. But that's the same thing as handing me over to the Capitol. Do you think you'd be doing me a favor by sending me back to Snow?"

More pain comes to Katniss. I guess she didn't like thinking of me back in Snow. "I'll kill you before that happens. I promise" Gale says. I think about it but reject the idea. I shake my head. "It's no good. What if you're not there to do it?" I ask. Suddenly I have an idea. "I want one of those poison pills like the rest of you have." All of the others have them, but I never got it. Maybe Coin doesn't want me to kill suicide. "It's not about you," says Katniss. "We're on a mission. And you're necessary to it." She looks around and says, "Think we might find some food here?"

Half of the squad guards me while others do other things. We look for food and find some. Leeg 1 says, "Isn't this illegal?" "On the contrary, in the Capitol you'd be considered stupid not to do it," says Messalla. "Even before the Quarter Quell, people were starting to stock up on scarce supplies." "While others went without," say Leeg 1. "Right," says Messalla. "That's how it works here." "Fortunately, or we wouldn't have dinner," says Gale. "Everyone grab a can." I go dig up for a can when I spot one _Lamb Stew_.

Those two words remind me of Katniss and our cave in the first games. I look over to Katniss and see she got stuck with cod chowder. Impulsively I hold out my can to her. "Here," I say. She presses her lips together and I know she's also thinking of our cave moments. Except it's different for her. She remembers it clearly, I don't. "Thanks," she says and pops open the top. "It even has dried plums." she says and eats with the lid.

We look through boxes of cram-filled cookies when some type of beeping starts. They show Panem's seal and the anthem plays. They show faces of the dead, like they do in the games. Our TV crew, Boggs, Gale, Finnick, me, and Katniss. They don't even bother showing the rest of our squad. Then President Snow appears with a flag draped behind him, and a white rose on his lap. Images of my time back in the Capitol appear in my mind. Every time I saw him he always had a rose. The rose in his lap makes me flinch

He congratulates the peacekeepers on their masterful job on getting rid of the 'menace' called The Mockingjay. He talks and talks, which makes it frustrating for me, when President Coin appears. She introduces herself and identifies herself as the head of the rebellion, and then gives Katniss' eulogy. Praise her for surviving the Seam and The Hunger Games, then turned a country of slaves into an army of freedom fighters. "Dead or alive, Katniss Everdeen will find the strength you need to rid Panem of its oppressors," says Coin. "I have no idea how much I meant to her," says Katniss and that makes Gale laugh and others give her confused looks, including me. Then on the TV comes a photo of Katniss looking beautiful and fierce with flames behind her. Wow. She does look beautiful. It makes me think that it's not such a crazy idea that I fell for her. But those memories….. they show so much hate and I can't take that. It goes back to Snow and he says, "Tomorrow morning, when we pull Katniss Everdeen's body from the ashes, we will see exactly who the Mockingjay is. A dead girl who could save no one, not ever herself." The seal and anthem end it. "Except that you won't find her," says Finnick. It's true. They can look and look but they won't find her. They'll know we escaped. "We can get a head start on them at least," says Katniss. She pulls out the Holo and insists that Jackson talks her through the most basic commands. The Holo projects our surroundings and we see we're near targets and pods. We can't possibly move out of this unless we want to die. Well I do at least, but I don't say that seeing that Katniss is having trouble right now and I don't want to add more. "Any ideas?" Katniss asks us. "Why don't we start by ruling out the possibilities. The street is not a possibility," says Finnick. "The rooftops are just as bad as the street," says Leeg 1. "We still might have a chance to withdraw, go back the way we came. But that would mean a failed mission," says Homes. "It was never intended for all of us to go forward. You just had the misfortune to be with me," says Katniss. "Well that's a moot point. We're with you now. So, we can't stay put. We can't move up. We can't move laterally. I think that just leaves one option," says Jackson. "Underground," says Gale. I never liked underground it seems trapped.

The Holo can show subterranean as well as street pods. We see that when we go underground the clean, dependable lines of the street plan are interlaced with a twisting, turning mess of tunnels. The pods look less numerous at least.

"Okay, then let's make it look like we've never been here," says Katniss. We make everything look like we were never here. What does it matter though? I'm not going to go. I'll just go kill more people and cause more trouble. I sit on the blue sofa. I refuse to go. "I'm not going. I'll either disclose your position or hurt someone else." "Snow's people will find you," says Finnick. "Then leave me a pill. I'll only take it if I have to," I say. "That's not an option. Come along," says Jackson. "Or you'll what? Shoot me?" I say. "We'll knock you out and drag you with us. Which will both slow us down and endanger us," says Homes. "Stop being noble! I don't care if I die!" I scream. Don't they get it? I _want_ to die! I turn to Katniss, maybe she will help me. "Katniss please. Don't you see, I want to be out of this?" More pain. Does she actually care for me? Doubt it. "We're wasting time. Are you coming voluntarily or do we knock you out?" she asks. I bury my face in my hand and think. Maybe I can just die on my own. If they knock me out I'll possibly kill them. So, I rise and join them. For now.

"Should we free his hands?" asks Leeg 1. "No!" I growl at her and bring the close to my chest. If they free me I'll just kill more. That's all I do now. Kill. Kill. Kill. "No," Katniss says. "But I want the key." Jackson passes her the key and she puts it in her pants pocket where I hear something click.

When Homes pries open a small metal door to the maintenance shaft, we find another problem. There's no way the TV crew's equipment will fit. Castor and Pollux remove them and detach emergency backup cameras. They'll fit perfectly. We put the other equipment in the closet.

It's a very tight fit. And we always run into problems. We sidestep our way past the first apartment, and break into another one. In the second one, the bedroom has a door marked _utility. _Behind the door is the room with the entrance to the tube. Messalla frowns at the cover. "It's why no one ever wants the center unit. Workmen coming and going whenever and no second bath. But the rent's considerably cheap." He notices Finnick's expression and says, "Never mind." The tube is simple to unlatch. A wide ladder with rubber treads on the steps allows for a swift, easy exit to the bowels of the city. We gather at the foot of the ladder and wait to adjust to the light. Pollux reaches out and latches on to Castor's wrist to steady him. "My brother worked down here after he became an avox. Took 5 years before we were able to buy his way up to ground level. Didn't see the sun once," says Castor. We just stand there and think of a way to response. Finally I turn to Pollux and says, "Well, then you just became our most valuable asset." Castor laughs and Pollux smiles.

We go through the tunnel my eyes on the floor and hunched shoulders in misery while my guards are with me. Then I realize something. My old voice from my head got out for a minute.

I was right. Pollux is very useful. Under his guidance we make good time. I'm starting to get tired and Katniss suggests we rest. No one disagrees. I settle down but no matter how tired I am I just can't sleep. I look at Katniss and see she's already sleeping. I smile to myself.

No matter how hard I try, I just can't sleep. I try and try but nothing. I look over to Jackson, but she's trying to wake up Katniss. Katniss wakes up and eats and sits against a wall facing the door. I look at Pollux and see he's awake. Pollux and her work on the Holo for a while. I didn't realize my head is right next to her feet and she sees that I'm awake. "Have you eaten?" she asks. I give her a little shake of my head. She opens a can of chicken and rice soup and she hands it to me but keeps the lid. I guess she doesn't want me cutting myself. I sit up and tilt the can chugging at the soup. I don't even try to chew it. "Peeta, when you asked about what happened to Darius and Lavinia, and Boggs told you it was real, you said you thought so. Because there was nothing shiny about it. What did you mean?" she asks me. I honestly don't remember. My whole mind is messed up. "Oh. I don't know exactly how to explain it," I say. "In the beginning, everything was just complete confusion. Now I can sort certain thins out. I think there's a pattern emerging. The memories they altered with the tracker jacker venom have this strange quality about tem. Like they're too intense or the images aren't stable. You remember what it was like when we were stung?" "Trees shattered. There were giant colored butterflies. I fell in a pit of orange bubbles," she says. Then she thinks for a while. "Shiny orange bubbles," she says. "Right. But nothing about Darius or Lavinia was like that. I don't think they'd given me any venom yet," I say. "Well that's good isn't it? If you can separate the two, then you can figure out what's true," she says. She's trying too hard to help me. "Yes. And if I could grow wings, I could fly. Only people can't grow wings. Real or not real?" I ask her "Real. But people don't need wings to survive." She answers. "Mockingjays do," I say. I finish my soup and give it back to her. She looks at me for a minute and sees how tired I am. "There's still time. You should sleep," she says. I don't argue with that so I lie down. I still can't sleep so I look at one of the dials go side from side. Suddenly I feel her hand brush my hair from my hair. I freeze and remember nights on a train, where she would allow me to protect her and snuggle up by me. It feels so good for her to this so I don't stop her. Then I ask what's been on my mind for a while, "You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real?" I whisper. "Real," she answers, but she's not finished yet, I can tell. "Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other." With her saying this and her caressing me I find my way to sleep with the girl I've always loved.

**A/N: Soooo much! AHHHH! I'm done! Hahaha well there ya go! Shank yew!**


End file.
